Well I finally got the call today after I harrassed them fifty MILLION times (hehe)... I swear I am psyhcic I knew rhey were not going to let me into the nursing program...i JUST KNEW IT. Those jackoffs said I can start in January because they want to make SURE I am going to stick with it since I withdrew from alot of classes before... HELLLLOOOOOO....DUH PEOPLE I WOULDNT BE TAKING TESTS AND GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS IF I WAS NOT COMMITTED!!! (please forgive the rambling n the mis spells its late, im tired, i took 2 xanies and a vic..dont judge i had a ruff day lol)
Why is the world so judgemental on peoples pasts? Please explain to me why our society holds people back from improving our lives then wants to know why people never change, maybe because the world is set up to make sure we never do change!!! I had children very young, my daughter at 16, my son at 18, and of course I struggled, my credit is not the best, times were tough, I got my GED and went to community college to be a Nurse and did not finish because of many different things going on at the time, and now because of that they want to wait until January to start me.... 1-1-10....
Okay...thats not all that bad right? WRONG. It would not be so bad if I didnt have baby fever right now and a boyfriend who wont work with me at ALL!!! That puts me at graduating 1-2012, starting a career, and then a baby about 2013, working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, baby in daycare ALL day...why have a baby then just to put him or her in daycare?!?!?! WHY.... Plus in 2013 that puts me at 32 and my daughter at 16...the age I had her, and my son at 14, that is way to big of a gap, and my kids will only have 4 years and they are off to college so why would I want to start all the way over again then??? IT MAKES NO SENSE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME NO ONE CARES OR LISTENS TO MY NEEDS WHYWHYWHYWHYW?!?!?!?!?
Here is what I think is best..... the RN program at a community college is currently 1.5-2 year wait list right, sooo... i get prego next month, have my baby in Feb / March 2010, I work from home now so I get to spend all that time with the baby, and then I start the program about January 2011 and I get to spend that whole first year with my baby, no day care, then go to school for the next 16 months and spend the rest of the day with my children and then graduate when my baby is almost 2...How much more perfect can that be? But he wont budge. He wont even consider me a little... I cant stop crying and I dont know what to do... Im sure everyone is sick of my blog, whining about babies and nursing school..who cares?? Definately no one in my life....so why would anyone else?
So, I sat him down and tried to talk to him again, I am big on communication, I communicate everything going through my head and I want to know whats going through his. So I tell him my plan and he says no. No exact reason, just no. Then I ask the following.....
If a psychiatrist was here talking to us about our relationship and they asked where do you see your relationship in the next six months what would you say?
Here is my answer........ Well first I would be on the waiting list for the Nursing Program at the community college to start in about 1.5 years, I would be about 5 months pregnant, I would have finally met the mothers of your children and be more a part of their lives, I would be having SS1 (5 year old) at home with me at least 2 times per week working with him on his speech therapy, i would have a stronger relationship with your younger son (we bump heads alot, hes really disrespectful twords me and I think his mom tells him he doesnt have to listen to me, and my boyfriend always lets it slide) and I would continue working with my children and keeping them on honor roll, and we would be planning our wedding for January and just be closer and more united as a family.
His answer....... I dont know but im not having a baby with you no matter what. ....then I remember he is moving in with his family because I "hold him back" and to work on his self. I cried silently and left him alone after that. I tried offering getting my LPN and working something like that before the baby would be born, and hes still saying no so I need to realize its not money, its not being afraid, its me. He doesnt want me.
When people say they have a broken heart its strange because if you have ever had a broken heart you know that you actually have physical chest pains. Its very odd that something that hurts your feelings really hurts you not just mentally and emotionally but physically! My chest hurt so bad, I swear I can still feel this awful achyness in my heart. I dont know what this means for me, I think it means im going to lose him...and honestly I love him. Im not the type to love, I mean I love people, family, animals, co workers, all that...but I mean I really really am in love with him. Normally I would have been sick of him by now and cut him off, or found a reason to send him away, but even though I have a million reasons to let him go and move on, I cant. I love him unconditionally, like I love my children.... and I have never had that for anyone besides my kids in my entire life. Ive never had a strong relationship with anyone in my family really, which makes me sad a little, but not like this...this is different. I could live with any of them cutting me off......this.....this I am not so sure what to do, or how I will face another day... I am not a weak woman, I am very independent, very strong, and refuse to feel vulnerable, or like someone can tell me what to do....but he somehow has wiggled his way in and just taken my heart captive and after all this time it has not weakened its grasp one bit and I hate it. I hate all of it, I hate having to ask permission to bring home a stray dog, I hate that he makes me put my dog outside, I hate that he judges me and points out my mistakes and weaknesses and tries to make me better, I hate all of that!!! ...But yet I love him for it. I love that he has taught me to work with someone, and that life is not just about me and what I want, I love that he cared enough to teach me to give a little.....but now its to something I can no longer give a little on.
I cant handle hearing him say no anymore, no baby, no marriage, no no no no no no no....thats all I hear. I cant anymore, I dont think my heart honestly can take it anymore. Please pray for me, pray his heart is opened a little and he will think about it...if he cant agree I think I am going to lose him because I need to know im loved enought for some type of team work on his part, and not just mine like it has always been. Maybe if he loses me for awhile he will realize he loves me and will rush home and say please take me back, I miss you like crazy, we can have all the babies in the world, we can get married tomorrow, because I love you and as long as I have you we can do anything, we can conquor the world....... yeah....this isnt a romantic comedy tho, he probably will forget I ever existed and find someone prettier with their tubes tide :) ...or my luck they will be married and have twins before I even stop crying... ugh... what do you do?
Im exhausted, sorry for the rambling, today was a tough day emotionally for me, I really am just done. My eyes have been puffy for days now, I look old lol...
I guess bye for now, tonight I wont be dreaming of babies, or nursing school, I will be dreaming of myself at 36, both my kids gone off to college, I am alone with my animals, and no career because I was too depressed to finish school, and no husband, no friends, just me, alone with no prince charming. ... I decided to write a poem...sometimes it helps...here it goes
Why is the world so judgemental on peoples pasts? Please explain to me why our society holds people back from improving our lives then wants to know why people never change, maybe because the world is set up to make sure we never do change!!! I had children very young, my daughter at 16, my son at 18, and of course I struggled, my credit is not the best, times were tough, I got my GED and went to community college to be a Nurse and did not finish because of many different things going on at the time, and now because of that they want to wait until January to start me.... 1-1-10....
Okay...thats not all that bad right? WRONG. It would not be so bad if I didnt have baby fever right now and a boyfriend who wont work with me at ALL!!! That puts me at graduating 1-2012, starting a career, and then a baby about 2013, working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, baby in daycare ALL day...why have a baby then just to put him or her in daycare?!?!?! WHY.... Plus in 2013 that puts me at 32 and my daughter at 16...the age I had her, and my son at 14, that is way to big of a gap, and my kids will only have 4 years and they are off to college so why would I want to start all the way over again then??? IT MAKES NO SENSE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME NO ONE CARES OR LISTENS TO MY NEEDS WHYWHYWHYWHYW?!?!?!?!?
Here is what I think is best..... the RN program at a community college is currently 1.5-2 year wait list right, sooo... i get prego next month, have my baby in Feb / March 2010, I work from home now so I get to spend all that time with the baby, and then I start the program about January 2011 and I get to spend that whole first year with my baby, no day care, then go to school for the next 16 months and spend the rest of the day with my children and then graduate when my baby is almost 2...How much more perfect can that be? But he wont budge. He wont even consider me a little... I cant stop crying and I dont know what to do... Im sure everyone is sick of my blog, whining about babies and nursing school..who cares?? Definately no one in my life....so why would anyone else?
So, I sat him down and tried to talk to him again, I am big on communication, I communicate everything going through my head and I want to know whats going through his. So I tell him my plan and he says no. No exact reason, just no. Then I ask the following.....
If a psychiatrist was here talking to us about our relationship and they asked where do you see your relationship in the next six months what would you say?
Here is my answer........ Well first I would be on the waiting list for the Nursing Program at the community college to start in about 1.5 years, I would be about 5 months pregnant, I would have finally met the mothers of your children and be more a part of their lives, I would be having SS1 (5 year old) at home with me at least 2 times per week working with him on his speech therapy, i would have a stronger relationship with your younger son (we bump heads alot, hes really disrespectful twords me and I think his mom tells him he doesnt have to listen to me, and my boyfriend always lets it slide) and I would continue working with my children and keeping them on honor roll, and we would be planning our wedding for January and just be closer and more united as a family.
His answer....... I dont know but im not having a baby with you no matter what. ....then I remember he is moving in with his family because I "hold him back" and to work on his self. I cried silently and left him alone after that. I tried offering getting my LPN and working something like that before the baby would be born, and hes still saying no so I need to realize its not money, its not being afraid, its me. He doesnt want me.
When people say they have a broken heart its strange because if you have ever had a broken heart you know that you actually have physical chest pains. Its very odd that something that hurts your feelings really hurts you not just mentally and emotionally but physically! My chest hurt so bad, I swear I can still feel this awful achyness in my heart. I dont know what this means for me, I think it means im going to lose him...and honestly I love him. Im not the type to love, I mean I love people, family, animals, co workers, all that...but I mean I really really am in love with him. Normally I would have been sick of him by now and cut him off, or found a reason to send him away, but even though I have a million reasons to let him go and move on, I cant. I love him unconditionally, like I love my children.... and I have never had that for anyone besides my kids in my entire life. Ive never had a strong relationship with anyone in my family really, which makes me sad a little, but not like this...this is different. I could live with any of them cutting me off......this.....this I am not so sure what to do, or how I will face another day... I am not a weak woman, I am very independent, very strong, and refuse to feel vulnerable, or like someone can tell me what to do....but he somehow has wiggled his way in and just taken my heart captive and after all this time it has not weakened its grasp one bit and I hate it. I hate all of it, I hate having to ask permission to bring home a stray dog, I hate that he makes me put my dog outside, I hate that he judges me and points out my mistakes and weaknesses and tries to make me better, I hate all of that!!! ...But yet I love him for it. I love that he has taught me to work with someone, and that life is not just about me and what I want, I love that he cared enough to teach me to give a little.....but now its to something I can no longer give a little on.
I cant handle hearing him say no anymore, no baby, no marriage, no no no no no no no....thats all I hear. I cant anymore, I dont think my heart honestly can take it anymore. Please pray for me, pray his heart is opened a little and he will think about it...if he cant agree I think I am going to lose him because I need to know im loved enought for some type of team work on his part, and not just mine like it has always been. Maybe if he loses me for awhile he will realize he loves me and will rush home and say please take me back, I miss you like crazy, we can have all the babies in the world, we can get married tomorrow, because I love you and as long as I have you we can do anything, we can conquor the world....... yeah....this isnt a romantic comedy tho, he probably will forget I ever existed and find someone prettier with their tubes tide :) ...or my luck they will be married and have twins before I even stop crying... ugh... what do you do?
Im exhausted, sorry for the rambling, today was a tough day emotionally for me, I really am just done. My eyes have been puffy for days now, I look old lol...
I guess bye for now, tonight I wont be dreaming of babies, or nursing school, I will be dreaming of myself at 36, both my kids gone off to college, I am alone with my animals, and no career because I was too depressed to finish school, and no husband, no friends, just me, alone with no prince charming. ... I decided to write a poem...sometimes it helps...here it goes
how do i love you so
and we have never even met
why does my heart ache
and my mind will not let me forget
I sometimes pray to god
please give my heart a rest
i dont think i can take the aching
i feel nothing but empty in my chest
i dream of you baby
sometimes all day and night
i already know your soul
and for your life i will always fight
i know you are waiting in heaven
and i cant wait until we meet
sometimes the greatest things in life
require the greatest feats
but oh my precious baby
this i swear to you
I will love you so very much
more than either of us could ever have knew
for now though we both can only dream
and through our souls love one another
but i promise to never give up on you
because I would give anything to be your mother
Dedicated to my unborn baby in heaven that i dream of everyday 4.23.09 TR
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