Well, I was suppose to hear from the school today and NADA! That cant be good right? Im super paranoid (hence my love of xanies :) ) but im going to try and be calm and hope they were just super busy and did not have time to call right? Yeah right...no one likes to call and give bad news, they are going to ignore my calls and then send me that lovely letter that says... We regret to inform you...blah blah blah YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU... only kidding, hopefully haha...Maybe I will get the news tomorrow...
So baby news for the day... I had a chat with my sister about the convo with DB yesterday and she says she will gladly watch the baby while im in school for a few hours and help out while I need to study since he will be working alot. Its actually pretty perfect and I dont understand why the answer is still no...its killing me!! I watched a video today online today that says women's fertility decreases DRASTICALLY at age 27....guess whose 27!!!! I showed him the video and he ignored me and started texting someone...why do I even try? My friend Ash told me the other day..."honestly he is never going to give you a baby"...and it hurt so bad I cried, of course I did not let her know that I cried and I played it off, but it hurt because she is probably right. Everyone tells me we shouldnt be trying to have a baby now, why rush, wait, whats the big deal... and honestly I cant even explain it!!! I have 2 children who are older and I love them to death of course, I love my step kids to death, but I have this yearning that has not gone away even a little in the last 2 years. I think the only people who would understand are those who are going through the same thing.
My friend Angel just told me she is prego the other day....I am thrilled for her of course, but she told me by sending a pic of the positive test, the two pink lines Id give ANYTHING to see myself, and I broke down...I cried so hard, and not because I was upset at her, im happy for her, im upset that I want that soooo bad and it seems I will never get it. My other friend Ash is trying to get prego, and she is struggling, its been about 5 months now so I know she knows somewhat how I feel, but at least she is able to try and her boyfriend is supportive of it. I dont even get to try, im not sure which is worse but they both are awful I know that :(
I am so confused.... I honestly dont know what happens now. I dont believe in ultimatums, I dont want to keep begging him for a baby, why would I want a baby with someone who doesnt want it with me? Why should I keep bringing it up, and bringing up getting married?? Why am I not good enough for him to want these things with me and to love me enough to say, maybe things arent perfect financially but we have a nice home, food in our fridge, a bright future, I understand why you would want to bond with the baby before you start your career and I am willing to put my fears aside and build this life with you.... WHY?!!?? Please explain to me why... Its insane its like anything I want he has to do it on his terms only, I dont matter it feels like. If I truely am the one he wants forever what the big FLIPPIN deal?!?!?
UGHHHHHHHHH...enough of the depressing baby talk... what else can I talk about?? ... Hmm.... well I dont know. Its hard when your heart is focused on one desire.
I guess I could talk about moving. Its kind of a depressing subject as well. Wow is anything going my way right now? Well see DB and I have lived together at our house for 2 years, its nice, spacious, I love it but its a bit pricey and with me starting school (hopefully anyways) we decided to try and find something cheaper. Well I found a nice home through a realtor friend of my mothers who is renting me a 3 bedroom, 2 story, 2.5 bath house with a big yard for only 700 a month!!!! Thats insanely cheap and its a newer home....its one of what I call cookie cutter houses lol...but nonetheless its nice. Well... now it appears I am moving alone :( He thinks financially it would be better to live with his mom rent free, bill free and focus on building his business because I somehow "hold him back" and he needs to "find himself" ..
To me that sounds like crap and he is really trying to just dump me, or cheat on me, or who knows what ..I feel ABANDOND....but he swears he is doing it for our family because he can build his AC company and Car company (hes very multi talented, smart, ambitious, and gifted in business) but I cant help but feel abandonded, and looking in from the outside feel a little stupid! I mean, why cant he do it with me?!!? If he feels I bring him down that cant be good, your significant other should bring you up in my eyes!! Now he says oh I will be home with you more than at my parents...so I am even more confused. I always feel like I never know what is going on exactly. I have never even met his childrens mothers!!! 4 years! Isnt that a bit odd?? Ugh... I just dont know what to do. I love him and want to spend my life with him, I want to have babies... NOW... and grow old with this man... but how do I know he want to do the same with me....and if he does...when exactly???? Is it so bad to ask for a freaking TIMELINE???? lol
I feel better writing about it definantely.... I am off to bed, I wont be dreaming of sugar plums dancing over my head...not I ....I will be dreaming of my little round face, beautiful baby who is somewhere waiting for me and waiting for her dad to bring her into this world...
Sigh.... if patience is a virtue I deserve award of the year :)
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