This is my first blog and I decided to do this one, because its hopefully therapeutic for me, and two, I cant be the only one in the world going through this..or can I? Maybe I am crazy!?
I am not going to go into complete details tonight because I'm exhausted and took and xanex (hehe :) )and my laptop is about ten minutes away from dying and I am completely to lazy to plug it in.. so here is a quicky version...
I have been with my boyfriend ( for blogging purposes we will call DB for Darling boyfriend) for exactly 4 years and almost 4 months. I have two children, a beautiful daughter ( we will call DD for Darling Daughter) turning 11 soon and a darling son who is 8 ( we will call DS for Darling Son) and he has two sons (SS1 step son 1) who is 5 years old and (SS2 step son 2) who is 4 years old and one American Bulldog named Gemini. We have no children together except one who went to heaven when I was 8 weeks pregnant on 2.16.07 which I will explain another day..We get along for the most part except we have one HUGE problem, I want a baby and he does not. I want to get married and he does not. Its absolutely heartbreaking for me and I am not sure where to go from here, how long do I wait? What does it mean about his feelings and intentions with me? His mouth tells me one thing but his actions are telling me another.
Let me just say he is overall very good to me. Treats me with respect, treats my children very well, never goes out and parties even though we are still young enough to do so, he has never cheated on me, he is going to school to he and HVAC tech to financially support us and the worst thing I can complain about besides his lack of giving me the things I want so dearly is his messiness which I have grown use to.... as use as I can I guess :/ His huge shoes always seem to be right in my walk way or right when I step out of my side of the bed, or empty cups of water, or he will ask for a drink the minute I get into bed...not while I'm up in the kitchen....no he waits till I get back into bed and pull the covers up THEN he suddenly needs water, or his inhaler which is in his pants pocket on HIS side of the bed!!! Why he does these things I have no clue, but I can live with all of it, I even love him for it because it makes him who he is...but my heart is really starting to break over this whole baby thing....
I have been begging him for a baby since our angel baby went to heaven in 07', crying and begging for one, sad every time my "aunt flow" or .... (AF from here on out)... comes for a visit, ECSTATIC every time there is a oopsie slip up during our love dovey time ;) and hurt n sad when there is no accidents.. its a constant flow of ups and downs that is driving me emotionally insane! Well one day we were talking a few weeks ago and he agreed we can sit down and have a serious talk about this whole baby/ wedding thing IF I get accepted to Nursing school. In AZ its a long long wait list, hard program to get in to, you take a hard test called the HESI and you write an essay and you interview with the Director of the college and Dr's and head Nurses with Master's degrees and there are hundreds of people trying to get 1 of 30 seats to start in July at this school because normally its up to about a 2 year wait everywhere else here!!!................ Well...............I have made it past all the other requirements and today I have my final interview and I find out tomorrow if I am accepted, I am 99.9999% sure I am accepted so being the impatient crazy gal I am I wanted my conversation today!! Why not, I have waited long enough I deserve it!
So needless to say it did not go very well....surprise surprise!!! Here is my plan, the Nursing program is 2 years, I want to start trying in October of this year, it would be amazing to get prego right away but if I did that would put me due at July, and I would have 1 year left of school before I would graduate and be a Nurse and start my new career. Im no dummy, I know how hard this program is and how much studying is involved and much harder a baby would make it...however my logic is I am only in school 4-5 hours per day versus when I graduate ( which is when he wants me to have the baby, actually he wants me to work for a year then have the baby!! NO FREAKING WAY ON THT!!!) and am a RN working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and will see my baby when exactly !??!?! At least if I have him or her during school I will be home more for the first year of her or his life, it will be hard yes, financially it will be harder yes, but to me that quality bonding time is worth it! I dont want to have the baby when I am first starting my career, I want the baby to be already at least walking so I dont miss as much :( and he just wont even seem to consider how I feel. This is very important to me and I dont know how to convince him to consider this. He is the type of person who worries, worries about money, wants everything to be perfect first, which I respect because I am the person who believes everything will just work out, so its good to even each other out....but I think I have been more than fair waiting this long and I dont know what to do from here. I dont want to budge, I know he wont budge and im afraid its going to end us.
I have been patiently waiting, but now there is no more time to wait, this is the best time, yes we will struggle a little until I graduate, but he graduates next month and he will make enough money to get us by until I graduate, so please tell me WHY WHY WHY cant my feelings be considered for once? Why cant he see its not only best for me but for our future child and our bond? The only thing I can think is maybe he never wants a child with me, which he has said before, maybe he doesn't know if I am who he wants to marry, or maybe he does not have faith I am strong enough to have the baby and to commit to a very hardcore Nursing program....
I don't know, I guess I will say my prayers tonight, and hope he tries to see my point and have some faith in me, and in us like I have all these years... I will update tomorrow with whether or not I am accepted to the program and if its helped with any additional answers... Night to All... and I hope you guys are having better luck than I.... I will be dreaming of baby for now.... Love & Respect.... Me
I am not going to go into complete details tonight because I'm exhausted and took and xanex (hehe :) )and my laptop is about ten minutes away from dying and I am completely to lazy to plug it in.. so here is a quicky version...
I have been with my boyfriend ( for blogging purposes we will call DB for Darling boyfriend) for exactly 4 years and almost 4 months. I have two children, a beautiful daughter ( we will call DD for Darling Daughter) turning 11 soon and a darling son who is 8 ( we will call DS for Darling Son) and he has two sons (SS1 step son 1) who is 5 years old and (SS2 step son 2) who is 4 years old and one American Bulldog named Gemini. We have no children together except one who went to heaven when I was 8 weeks pregnant on 2.16.07 which I will explain another day..We get along for the most part except we have one HUGE problem, I want a baby and he does not. I want to get married and he does not. Its absolutely heartbreaking for me and I am not sure where to go from here, how long do I wait? What does it mean about his feelings and intentions with me? His mouth tells me one thing but his actions are telling me another.
Let me just say he is overall very good to me. Treats me with respect, treats my children very well, never goes out and parties even though we are still young enough to do so, he has never cheated on me, he is going to school to he and HVAC tech to financially support us and the worst thing I can complain about besides his lack of giving me the things I want so dearly is his messiness which I have grown use to.... as use as I can I guess :/ His huge shoes always seem to be right in my walk way or right when I step out of my side of the bed, or empty cups of water, or he will ask for a drink the minute I get into bed...not while I'm up in the kitchen....no he waits till I get back into bed and pull the covers up THEN he suddenly needs water, or his inhaler which is in his pants pocket on HIS side of the bed!!! Why he does these things I have no clue, but I can live with all of it, I even love him for it because it makes him who he is...but my heart is really starting to break over this whole baby thing....
I have been begging him for a baby since our angel baby went to heaven in 07', crying and begging for one, sad every time my "aunt flow" or .... (AF from here on out)... comes for a visit, ECSTATIC every time there is a oopsie slip up during our love dovey time ;) and hurt n sad when there is no accidents.. its a constant flow of ups and downs that is driving me emotionally insane! Well one day we were talking a few weeks ago and he agreed we can sit down and have a serious talk about this whole baby/ wedding thing IF I get accepted to Nursing school. In AZ its a long long wait list, hard program to get in to, you take a hard test called the HESI and you write an essay and you interview with the Director of the college and Dr's and head Nurses with Master's degrees and there are hundreds of people trying to get 1 of 30 seats to start in July at this school because normally its up to about a 2 year wait everywhere else here!!!................ Well...............I have made it past all the other requirements and today I have my final interview and I find out tomorrow if I am accepted, I am 99.9999% sure I am accepted so being the impatient crazy gal I am I wanted my conversation today!! Why not, I have waited long enough I deserve it!
So needless to say it did not go very well....surprise surprise!!! Here is my plan, the Nursing program is 2 years, I want to start trying in October of this year, it would be amazing to get prego right away but if I did that would put me due at July, and I would have 1 year left of school before I would graduate and be a Nurse and start my new career. Im no dummy, I know how hard this program is and how much studying is involved and much harder a baby would make it...however my logic is I am only in school 4-5 hours per day versus when I graduate ( which is when he wants me to have the baby, actually he wants me to work for a year then have the baby!! NO FREAKING WAY ON THT!!!) and am a RN working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and will see my baby when exactly !??!?! At least if I have him or her during school I will be home more for the first year of her or his life, it will be hard yes, financially it will be harder yes, but to me that quality bonding time is worth it! I dont want to have the baby when I am first starting my career, I want the baby to be already at least walking so I dont miss as much :( and he just wont even seem to consider how I feel. This is very important to me and I dont know how to convince him to consider this. He is the type of person who worries, worries about money, wants everything to be perfect first, which I respect because I am the person who believes everything will just work out, so its good to even each other out....but I think I have been more than fair waiting this long and I dont know what to do from here. I dont want to budge, I know he wont budge and im afraid its going to end us.
I have been patiently waiting, but now there is no more time to wait, this is the best time, yes we will struggle a little until I graduate, but he graduates next month and he will make enough money to get us by until I graduate, so please tell me WHY WHY WHY cant my feelings be considered for once? Why cant he see its not only best for me but for our future child and our bond? The only thing I can think is maybe he never wants a child with me, which he has said before, maybe he doesn't know if I am who he wants to marry, or maybe he does not have faith I am strong enough to have the baby and to commit to a very hardcore Nursing program....
I don't know, I guess I will say my prayers tonight, and hope he tries to see my point and have some faith in me, and in us like I have all these years... I will update tomorrow with whether or not I am accepted to the program and if its helped with any additional answers... Night to All... and I hope you guys are having better luck than I.... I will be dreaming of baby for now.... Love & Respect.... Me
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