Tears were falling today....I hate the word NO

Well I finally got the call today after I harrassed them fifty MILLION times (hehe)... I swear I am psyhcic I knew rhey were not going to let me into the nursing program...i JUST KNEW IT. Those jackoffs said I can start in January because they want to make SURE I am going to stick with it since I withdrew from alot of classes before... HELLLLOOOOOO....DUH PEOPLE I WOULDNT BE TAKING TESTS AND GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS IF I WAS NOT COMMITTED!!! (please forgive the rambling n the mis spells its late, im tired, i took 2 xanies and a vic..dont judge i had a ruff day lol)

Why is the world so judgemental on peoples pasts? Please explain to me why our society holds people back from improving our lives then wants to know why people never change, maybe because the world is set up to make sure we never do change!!! I had children very young, my daughter at 16, my son at 18, and of course I struggled, my credit is not the best, times were tough, I got my GED and went to community college to be a Nurse and did not finish because of many different things going on at the time, and now because of that they want to wait until January to start me.... 1-1-10....

Okay...thats not all that bad right? WRONG. It would not be so bad if I didnt have baby fever right now and a boyfriend who wont work with me at ALL!!! That puts me at graduating 1-2012, starting a career, and then a baby about 2013, working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, baby in daycare ALL day...why have a baby then just to put him or her in daycare?!?!?! WHY.... Plus in 2013 that puts me at 32 and my daughter at 16...the age I had her, and my son at 14, that is way to big of a gap, and my kids will only have 4 years and they are off to college so why would I want to start all the way over again then??? IT MAKES NO SENSE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME NO ONE CARES OR LISTENS TO MY NEEDS WHYWHYWHYWHYW?!?!?!?!?

Here is what I think is best..... the RN program at a community college is currently 1.5-2 year wait list right, sooo... i get prego next month, have my baby in Feb / March 2010, I work from home now so I get to spend all that time with the baby, and then I start the program about January 2011 and I get to spend that whole first year with my baby, no day care, then go to school for the next 16 months and spend the rest of the day with my children and then graduate when my baby is almost 2...How much more perfect can that be? But he wont budge. He wont even consider me a little... I cant stop crying and I dont know what to do... Im sure everyone is sick of my blog, whining about babies and nursing school..who cares?? Definately no one in my life....so why would anyone else?

So, I sat him down and tried to talk to him again, I am big on communication, I communicate everything going through my head and I want to know whats going through his. So I tell him my plan and he says no. No exact reason, just no. Then I ask the following.....

If a psychiatrist was here talking to us about our relationship and they asked where do you see your relationship in the next six months what would you say?

Here is my answer........ Well first I would be on the waiting list for the Nursing Program at the community college to start in about 1.5 years, I would be about 5 months pregnant, I would have finally met the mothers of your children and be more a part of their lives, I would be having SS1 (5 year old) at home with me at least 2 times per week working with him on his speech therapy, i would have a stronger relationship with your younger son (we bump heads alot, hes really disrespectful twords me and I think his mom tells him he doesnt have to listen to me, and my boyfriend always lets it slide) and I would continue working with my children and keeping them on honor roll, and we would be planning our wedding for January and just be closer and more united as a family.

His answer....... I dont know but im not having a baby with you no matter what. ....then I remember he is moving in with his family because I "hold him back" and to work on his self. I cried silently and left him alone after that. I tried offering getting my LPN and working something like that before the baby would be born, and hes still saying no so I need to realize its not money, its not being afraid, its me. He doesnt want me.

When people say they have a broken heart its strange because if you have ever had a broken heart you know that you actually have physical chest pains. Its very odd that something that hurts your feelings really hurts you not just mentally and emotionally but physically! My chest hurt so bad, I swear I can still feel this awful achyness in my heart. I dont know what this means for me, I think it means im going to lose him...and honestly I love him. Im not the type to love, I mean I love people, family, animals, co workers, all that...but I mean I really really am in love with him. Normally I would have been sick of him by now and cut him off, or found a reason to send him away, but even though I have a million reasons to let him go and move on, I cant. I love him unconditionally, like I love my children.... and I have never had that for anyone besides my kids in my entire life. Ive never had a strong relationship with anyone in my family really, which makes me sad a little, but not like this...this is different. I could live with any of them cutting me off......this.....this I am not so sure what to do, or how I will face another day... I am not a weak woman, I am very independent, very strong, and refuse to feel vulnerable, or like someone can tell me what to do....but he somehow has wiggled his way in and just taken my heart captive and after all this time it has not weakened its grasp one bit and I hate it. I hate all of it, I hate having to ask permission to bring home a stray dog, I hate that he makes me put my dog outside, I hate that he judges me and points out my mistakes and weaknesses and tries to make me better, I hate all of that!!! ...But yet I love him for it. I love that he has taught me to work with someone, and that life is not just about me and what I want, I love that he cared enough to teach me to give a little.....but now its to something I can no longer give a little on.

I cant handle hearing him say no anymore, no baby, no marriage, no no no no no no no....thats all I hear. I cant anymore, I dont think my heart honestly can take it anymore. Please pray for me, pray his heart is opened a little and he will think about it...if he cant agree I think I am going to lose him because I need to know im loved enought for some type of team work on his part, and not just mine like it has always been. Maybe if he loses me for awhile he will realize he loves me and will rush home and say please take me back, I miss you like crazy, we can have all the babies in the world, we can get married tomorrow, because I love you and as long as I have you we can do anything, we can conquor the world....... yeah....this isnt a romantic comedy tho, he probably will forget I ever existed and find someone prettier with their tubes tide :) ...or my luck they will be married and have twins before I even stop crying... ugh... what do you do?

Im exhausted, sorry for the rambling, today was a tough day emotionally for me, I really am just done. My eyes have been puffy for days now, I look old lol...

I guess bye for now, tonight I wont be dreaming of babies, or nursing school, I will be dreaming of myself at 36, both my kids gone off to college, I am alone with my animals, and no career because I was too depressed to finish school, and no husband, no friends, just me, alone with no prince charming. ... I decided to write a poem...sometimes it helps...here it goes

how do i love you so

and we have never even met

why does my heart ache

and my mind will not let me forget

I sometimes pray to god

please give my heart a rest

i dont think i can take the aching

i feel nothing but empty in my chest

i dream of you baby

sometimes all day and night

i already know your soul

and for your life i will always fight

i know you are waiting in heaven

and i cant wait until we meet

sometimes the greatest things in life

require the greatest feats

but oh my precious baby

this i swear to you

I will love you so very much

more than either of us could ever have knew

for now though we both can only dream

and through our souls love one another

but i promise to never give up on you

because I would give anything to be your mother

Dedicated to my unborn baby in heaven that i dream of everyday 4.23.09 TR

Today is no better than yesterday : /

Well, I was suppose to hear from the school today and NADA! That cant be good right? Im super paranoid (hence my love of xanies :) ) but im going to try and be calm and hope they were just super busy and did not have time to call right? Yeah right...no one likes to call and give bad news, they are going to ignore my calls and then send me that lovely letter that says... We regret to inform you...blah blah blah YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU... only kidding, hopefully haha...Maybe I will get the news tomorrow...

So baby news for the day... I had a chat with my sister about the convo with DB yesterday and she says she will gladly watch the baby while im in school for a few hours and help out while I need to study since he will be working alot. Its actually pretty perfect and I dont understand why the answer is still no...its killing me!! I watched a video today online today that says women's fertility decreases DRASTICALLY at age 27....guess whose 27!!!! I showed him the video and he ignored me and started texting someone...why do I even try? My friend Ash told me the other day..."honestly he is never going to give you a baby"...and it hurt so bad I cried, of course I did not let her know that I cried and I played it off, but it hurt because she is probably right. Everyone tells me we shouldnt be trying to have a baby now, why rush, wait, whats the big deal... and honestly I cant even explain it!!! I have 2 children who are older and I love them to death of course, I love my step kids to death, but I have this yearning that has not gone away even a little in the last 2 years. I think the only people who would understand are those who are going through the same thing.

My friend Angel just told me she is prego the other day....I am thrilled for her of course, but she told me by sending a pic of the positive test, the two pink lines Id give ANYTHING to see myself, and I broke down...I cried so hard, and not because I was upset at her, im happy for her, im upset that I want that soooo bad and it seems I will never get it. My other friend Ash is trying to get prego, and she is struggling, its been about 5 months now so I know she knows somewhat how I feel, but at least she is able to try and her boyfriend is supportive of it. I dont even get to try, im not sure which is worse but they both are awful I know that :(

I am so confused.... I honestly dont know what happens now. I dont believe in ultimatums, I dont want to keep begging him for a baby, why would I want a baby with someone who doesnt want it with me? Why should I keep bringing it up, and bringing up getting married?? Why am I not good enough for him to want these things with me and to love me enough to say, maybe things arent perfect financially but we have a nice home, food in our fridge, a bright future, I understand why you would want to bond with the baby before you start your career and I am willing to put my fears aside and build this life with you.... WHY?!!?? Please explain to me why... Its insane its like anything I want he has to do it on his terms only, I dont matter it feels like. If I truely am the one he wants forever what the big FLIPPIN deal?!?!?

UGHHHHHHHHH...enough of the depressing baby talk... what else can I talk about?? ... Hmm.... well I dont know. Its hard when your heart is focused on one desire.

I guess I could talk about moving. Its kind of a depressing subject as well. Wow is anything going my way right now? Well see DB and I have lived together at our house for 2 years, its nice, spacious, I love it but its a bit pricey and with me starting school (hopefully anyways) we decided to try and find something cheaper. Well I found a nice home through a realtor friend of my mothers who is renting me a 3 bedroom, 2 story, 2.5 bath house with a big yard for only 700 a month!!!! Thats insanely cheap and its a newer home....its one of what I call cookie cutter houses lol...but nonetheless its nice. Well... now it appears I am moving alone :( He thinks financially it would be better to live with his mom rent free, bill free and focus on building his business because I somehow "hold him back" and he needs to "find himself" ..

To me that sounds like crap and he is really trying to just dump me, or cheat on me, or who knows what ..I feel ABANDOND....but he swears he is doing it for our family because he can build his AC company and Car company (hes very multi talented, smart, ambitious, and gifted in business) but I cant help but feel abandonded, and looking in from the outside feel a little stupid! I mean, why cant he do it with me?!!? If he feels I bring him down that cant be good, your significant other should bring you up in my eyes!! Now he says oh I will be home with you more than at my parents...so I am even more confused. I always feel like I never know what is going on exactly. I have never even met his childrens mothers!!! 4 years! Isnt that a bit odd?? Ugh... I just dont know what to do. I love him and want to spend my life with him, I want to have babies... NOW... and grow old with this man... but how do I know he want to do the same with me....and if he does...when exactly???? Is it so bad to ask for a freaking TIMELINE???? lol

I feel better writing about it definantely.... I am off to bed, I wont be dreaming of sugar plums dancing over my head...not I ....I will be dreaming of my little round face, beautiful baby who is somewhere waiting for me and waiting for her dad to bring her into this world...

Sigh.... if patience is a virtue I deserve award of the year :)

Tonights Baby Conversation.... Hmm... Not A Good Start :(

This is my first blog and I decided to do this one, because its hopefully therapeutic for me, and two, I cant be the only one in the world going through this..or can I? Maybe I am crazy!?

I am not going to go into complete details tonight because I'm exhausted and took and xanex (hehe :) )and my laptop is about ten minutes away from dying and I am completely to lazy to plug it in.. so here is a quicky version...

I have been with my boyfriend ( for blogging purposes we will call DB for Darling boyfriend) for exactly 4 years and almost 4 months. I have two children, a beautiful daughter ( we will call DD for Darling Daughter) turning 11 soon and a darling son who is 8 ( we will call DS for Darling Son) and he has two sons (SS1 step son 1) who is 5 years old and (SS2 step son 2) who is 4 years old and one American Bulldog named Gemini. We have no children together except one who went to heaven when I was 8 weeks pregnant on 2.16.07 which I will explain another day..We get along for the most part except we have one HUGE problem, I want a baby and he does not. I want to get married and he does not. Its absolutely heartbreaking for me and I am not sure where to go from here, how long do I wait? What does it mean about his feelings and intentions with me? His mouth tells me one thing but his actions are telling me another.

Let me just say he is overall very good to me. Treats me with respect, treats my children very well, never goes out and parties even though we are still young enough to do so, he has never cheated on me, he is going to school to he and HVAC tech to financially support us and the worst thing I can complain about besides his lack of giving me the things I want so dearly is his messiness which I have grown use to.... as use as I can I guess :/ His huge shoes always seem to be right in my walk way or right when I step out of my side of the bed, or empty cups of water, or he will ask for a drink the minute I get into bed...not while I'm up in the kitchen....no he waits till I get back into bed and pull the covers up THEN he suddenly needs water, or his inhaler which is in his pants pocket on HIS side of the bed!!! Why he does these things I have no clue, but I can live with all of it, I even love him for it because it makes him who he is...but my heart is really starting to break over this whole baby thing....

I have been begging him for a baby since our angel baby went to heaven in 07', crying and begging for one, sad every time my "aunt flow" or .... (AF from here on out)... comes for a visit, ECSTATIC every time there is a oopsie slip up during our love dovey time ;) and hurt n sad when there is no accidents.. its a constant flow of ups and downs that is driving me emotionally insane! Well one day we were talking a few weeks ago and he agreed we can sit down and have a serious talk about this whole baby/ wedding thing IF I get accepted to Nursing school. In AZ its a long long wait list, hard program to get in to, you take a hard test called the HESI and you write an essay and you interview with the Director of the college and Dr's and head Nurses with Master's degrees and there are hundreds of people trying to get 1 of 30 seats to start in July at this school because normally its up to about a 2 year wait everywhere else here!!!................ Well...............I have made it past all the other requirements and today I have my final interview and I find out tomorrow if I am accepted, I am 99.9999% sure I am accepted so being the impatient crazy gal I am I wanted my conversation today!! Why not, I have waited long enough I deserve it!

So needless to say it did not go very well....surprise surprise!!! Here is my plan, the Nursing program is 2 years, I want to start trying in October of this year, it would be amazing to get prego right away but if I did that would put me due at July, and I would have 1 year left of school before I would graduate and be a Nurse and start my new career. Im no dummy, I know how hard this program is and how much studying is involved and much harder a baby would make it...however my logic is I am only in school 4-5 hours per day versus when I graduate ( which is when he wants me to have the baby, actually he wants me to work for a year then have the baby!! NO FREAKING WAY ON THT!!!) and am a RN working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and will see my baby when exactly !??!?! At least if I have him or her during school I will be home more for the first year of her or his life, it will be hard yes, financially it will be harder yes, but to me that quality bonding time is worth it! I dont want to have the baby when I am first starting my career, I want the baby to be already at least walking so I dont miss as much :( and he just wont even seem to consider how I feel. This is very important to me and I dont know how to convince him to consider this. He is the type of person who worries, worries about money, wants everything to be perfect first, which I respect because I am the person who believes everything will just work out, so its good to even each other out....but I think I have been more than fair waiting this long and I dont know what to do from here. I dont want to budge, I know he wont budge and im afraid its going to end us.

I have been patiently waiting, but now there is no more time to wait, this is the best time, yes we will struggle a little until I graduate, but he graduates next month and he will make enough money to get us by until I graduate, so please tell me WHY WHY WHY cant my feelings be considered for once? Why cant he see its not only best for me but for our future child and our bond? The only thing I can think is maybe he never wants a child with me, which he has said before, maybe he doesn't know if I am who he wants to marry, or maybe he does not have faith I am strong enough to have the baby and to commit to a very hardcore Nursing program....

I don't know, I guess I will say my prayers tonight, and hope he tries to see my point and have some faith in me, and in us like I have all these years... I will update tomorrow with whether or not I am accepted to the program and if its helped with any additional answers... Night to All... and I hope you guys are having better luck than I.... I will be dreaming of baby for now.... Love & Respect.... Me